Blog Denial

The state of constantly pushing the idea out of one's brain that one should be updating one's blog or that one even blogs.

Blog Denial.

That's where I've been. There has been so much to write about and just not enough time.

Hey, notice how the Month of Photos totally crashed and burned?

The one satistying outcome is that there are finally more photos on this blog. I like it that way. Its friendlier, a little more eye-catching, and maybe a bit more inticing? Personally, I've been avoiding the camera as I'm struggling through some pregnancy induced low self-esteem.

 

I went from this in Febuary (taken while on vacation in Mexico) where for the first time in my life I felt so at home in my own skin and actually liked the way that I looked...

 

To this beautiful self-portrait I took last week at nearly 33 weeks pregnant: Adding braces in March, the baby in April and 47lbs (and it was a really good angle or I never would have posted it)

 

 

It doesn't feel like much of a consolation when everyone tells me I look great or "Don't worry, you'll lose the weight..."

 

Yah, I know I'll lose the weight and I don't think. I also know I had to work darn freakin harder then I've ever worked in my entire life to get into the shape I was in a year ago.

 

I *know* this is a silly thing to whine about. I *know* I am so blessed. I *know* I know I know I know.....

 

This is still my struggle though. Each pregnancy I've had some sort of journey to go on and work through. With JJ it was a complete transformation where I finally stepped into the place where I have always felt called to be as a woman. When I gave birth to her it was as if I purged all of these negative things I had carried with me for years. Noone could take that experience away from me. I had given birth to that child and the Lord had sustained me through it. It was incredible. It was faith building material. When I had Tiny Bear it was a healing experience for JR and I. We'd really been struggling through a hellish challenging journey as a young married couple. I had felt so stupid for "letting" myself get pregnant at that time. What we didn't know was just how God was going to use that beautiful baby in our marriage. I will never forget how tenderly JR cared for me after her birth.

 

Now, 5 years after we started this journey together we really have come to an entirely different place in our relationship. One with a solid foundation in the Lord that we continually work to foster and protect.

 

So it seems that if my marriage is on a solid footing and I have a huge faith in what the Lord is capable of doing that it might be time for Him to re-write some of the broken software of my heart of how I view myself...not my capabilities and strengths...but what the Lord see's when He looks at me.

That my eyes will lie to me...

...but the truth of His word should be the mirror for my life.

 

 

In the wisdom of Jesus: Matthew 6:19-34

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. 21Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.22“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. 23But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!24“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.25“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?28“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?31“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.34“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. 

 



 





 

October: Photo A Day,The Real Mrs. Rambo

Completely inspired, I'm jumping on the bandwagon. A dear friend and blogger buddy is savouring October by posting a photo a day. I thought it was high time that I got with the program and started to post more pictures on my blog.

Fall is one of my favourite times of year as well so I look forward to capturing our growing family through this time and revealing a bit more of ourselves.

I dropped my awesome camera a few years ago already and haven't gotten around to getting it fixed so the photos will come from my iPhone. Quality underated, be warned!

Starting off with a bang today, introducing the Real Mrs. Rambo...(cheater picture post from 2 days ago, so not an October picture)

28 weeks

Baby #3 has become a handy place to rest things

 

With this post, the anonymous blog has become not so anonymous. ;)

The Ugly Truth

6 months.

40lbs gained.

Now that's ugly.

I haven't been posting much. We've had a crazy month.
-walking beside JRs family through a major crises
-JR had some major work issues. Public complaints suck
-Tiny Bear lost everything tiny about her: soother, crib, nursery....now she and JJ are roomies
-lots of traveling and company

The list could go on.

I haven't been posting much about this pregnancy either because it has been going very well. The only thing I want to talk about is how much I'm struggling with the amount of weight I've gained with this baby. It's frustratingly depressing.

So I choose not to talk about it because there are too many people in my life that I love who can't have children and would give anything to be in my position.

The ugly truth is that I'm just being ungrateful when I complain about it.

I am a blessed woman. Blessed to be expecting our third and not having to endure the trials of infertility. That's a struggle I can't possibly understand.

So I'll choose to be thankful every time the scale creeps up.

Less than 13 weeks to go.

You know you're married to a cop...

...if you use black leather hatch gloves to pull weeds.

Best garden gloves I ever used.

Regimental Funeral

It was haunting.

The click of hundreds of dress boots on the auditorium floor...

The bag pipes...

The prayers of tradition...

The familiar hymns...

Her sobs as the Commissioner handed her our country's flag...

Her husband in that casket...

Haunting.

Loss

It is surprising how much you can hurt for someone you don't really even know.

Probably because it could have been my husband just as it tragically was hers.

Police vehicle vs moose while en route to a call. Another risk of the rural job.

A tragic loss for the force.

An unspeakable grief for a young widow and three children he left behind.

JR will march in full dress uniform along with his colleagues in a salute of honor to a fallen member.

I'll be there too because I'd hope that someday if I was in the same spot some officers wife I didn't even know would show up just because they cared enough to come.

We are family.

Bound by a uniform pledge to support those who serve and protect.

Can someone remind me...

What are weekends like?

I don't remember.

Soliciting Suggestions

What would you pack if you were going to New Orleans for a weekend????!!!!!

I earned a free trip there by working my biz consistently and I fly out on Friday! I can't believe it is almost time. I've never been to that part of the world before. I'm at a bit of a loss for what to pack. We will mainly be doing relaxing and some sight-seeing, an evening supper cruise...that sort of thing. I have an idea of what the weather is like, but I'll check the forcast.

Oh yes, and the hotel has a rooftop pool...hence yesterdays post :)

Snapshots

John Rambo left us alone for 13 + hours while he was gone for some training. While the cat's away....

Had a great morning with a LEO family that I *adore*. It was so nice to say "I'm feeling the urge to move again" and be told that the only way I could move was if I moved to her town...ha. Made me feel loved and appreciated.

Went for an ultrasound. Possible ruptured ovarian cyst. No idea what that means or what happens from here but we will wait and see.

Tiny Bear fell asleep in the car on our way home. She was one tuckered little bear.

Cuddled Tiny Bear after her nap. She fell back asleep in my arms. I love that.

After JJ and Tiny Bear threw a bunch of baby wipes on the floor I discovered they are wonderful for actually washing linoleum. :) I can add that to the other uses of taking marks off the wall, wiping pen off of faces...you name it, they are the most versatile tool I own.

Walked with the girls to the bakery. Ate a whole bunch of cookies and maybe a donut or two. We then played outside in our yard. It is so nice to have warm weather again!

The girls broke out the back gate. Must have not been locked. By the time I caught them they were playing in puddle at the end of the back alley, down by the side street. You can never be too careful with little ones...quick little mischievous ones. Due to this fact Tiny Bear is wearing "backup" pants. I wouldn't usually let her wear stripes on stripes but her jeans were all wet after stumbling into the puddle.

Tiny Bear took off her rubber boots and her jacket. Disobedience has its consequences. This time I let her keep them off. She was crying within 20 minutes that her feet were cold. Experience is the greatest teacher. She then reported to her grandmother on the phone later,

"Side(outside), COLD...toes" You get the idea.

During family prayer time JJ said "pray for baby Jebus, for baby in mommy's tummy, pray for everyone FOR ALL OF THEM (with wild hand gestures), and for both Grandma's and Grandfather's and uncles" *clapping hands excitedly* " and, and FOR EVERYBODY!"

It was a good day.

Setting things straight

Just to be real clear...

I'm not on some crazy quest right now to have another baby. Yes, we would L.O.V.E to have more children. However I've watched some women in my life completely make their families miserable as they were obsessed with having another baby.

I get it.

I get the desire to have another child.

There is a choice though in how one deals with the situation.

It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't twinge a bit when I hear of other's with babies on the way or that I'm not excited for that to be me again.

I am a realist.

We are so very blessed to have two healthy children. We do feel like our family isn't done yet. Whether that be more biological children or opening our home to other people who will become our family. We don't know that yet. God gave me a desire a long time ago to have a big ol'family. No set number. I love being a wife. I love being a mom. I love being a home manager. Its a high calling.

If anything this last week has forced me to take a good look at where I've set my priorities. I was so busy in the fall that I was not a good home manager and I wasn't attentive to my children. I know that my calling is to be a mom. The Lord is growing that up in me right now as we speak. Analysing where I've been putting my time and recognising that even though the activities were "good" things they weren't always the best.

Taking time to study, learn from other moms and be a good steward of the 2 children I've already been given is top priority in my life right now.

So there it is. For the record.

Mrs. Rambo has a curfew

(for some reason all the spacing has disappeared from this entry. I'll work on that. It is rather difficult to read this way. )

That's right. For the first time in about 12 years I actually have a bedtime.

10pm

No late night exercising, blog lurking, Facebooking, emailing or phone calls. I can't stay up late cleaning til all hours and actually have to plan ahead.

It seems to be working. Not yelling as much, happier to be with my kids, not snapping at John Rambo. He's even facilitating naps for me because I am a much nicer person. We're working together as a family to help Mamma get healthy.

JJ even suggests we pray for "baby Jesus in Mommy's tummy," which translates to praying to Jesus for mommy to be able to have another baby. The other is a little sacrilegious, wouldn't you say? She's 3. I'm sure even Jesus sees the humour in it.

Hopefully this is one step in the right direction.

I also started taking Siberian Gensing as recommended from a few sources. My mom takes it every day and her head didn't ever blow off so I'm guessing its okay for me to take too. Can't hurt, right? I'll double check with the doc when I'm in next.

It still boggles my mind that I didn't put it together before myself:

-the crankiness

-yelling at my children and having NO patience when I used to have lots. It was like someone flicked a switch and I was just angry all the time.

-obvious changes in my cycle (HELLO! Spotting all throughout your cycle can be normal but this was a little extreme - sorry its TMI but what the heck, this blog is anonymous)

-night sweats

-dizziness

-inability to cope with stress

-feeling anxious easily

-changes in body temperature

All of these things though could be attributed to any number of other things that I just hadn't put them all together. I honestly didn't even have time to sit and think about it or analyse. I was just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep up with the pace of life.

So now we are slowing things down and...look at the time. Its bedtime and I haven't brushed my teeth, so I better skidaddle. Heaven only knows how long it takes to brush with these darn brances!

Who would have thought what a conscious effort it actually takes to slow down.

Its not only a health lesson, its a life lesson.

A faith lesson.

Keeping the Goal in Mind...

JJ, 6 days old

It gets better...

I'll get right to the punch line. I was finally forced to go to the doctor. Turns out I might have a significant hormonal imbalance... Hence my inability to cope with things like rough patches with my business or be able to conceive a baby.

I wrote this long introspective and intellectual post about it and decided to cut right to the chase. I've got lots of new medical appointments to rule out all kinds of things but the most obvious problem can be handled naturally. There is tons of info out there on on regulating hormones. Even though this is a rather personal issue I decided I should post about it cause I know I'm not alone. Someone else may have good information for me or need the stuff I'm just uncovering now.

So I'm gonna post about it.

Here is my most immediate challenge: Stress is a major factor.

How would you go about slowing down your schedule if you
A) Are the primary caregiver for a 3 and almost 2 year old
B) Your partner works shift work and it is completely irregular
C) Run a successful but challenging business from home that contributes significantly to the family income
D) Can't quit this job because of (c) and the 19 people who you work with. Well you don't want quit, really...
E) Your almost 2 year old doesn't sleep through the night which means you don't either. You feel like a crazy person most days
F) You have no immediate family to ask for help from. No grannies to babysit the kiddies. Babysitters cost money and you live on a budget. You have friends who can help but don't want to take advantage.
G) Everywhere you look around you there is always something to be done and never enough time to do it

Annnnnnnd GO! Mrs. Rambo is official soliciting your advice. Better take the chance while you can.

19

Forgive me for posting two rather dismal posts back-to-back. The last one was a rant and I'm adjusting to life with braces. It isn't that bad and rather a convenient First world problem, wouldn't you say?

The second could also be seen as a First world problem as well. So bear with me. I need to process it someplace, so I might as well spill my guts here where I spill everything else.

I'm discouraged.

Each day I have 19 people that I think about, pray about and seek to intentional support to reach their goals and dreams.

I'm blessed to work with such an amazing group of men and women, especially those that are as committed to their business as I am to mine.

The problem is this: I don't know how to encourage in an authentic way when I myself have been so discouraged. I've had a few months of major blows to my business, LOUD naysayers in my life and just a general bombardment of difficulty.

This is probably the most stretching time I've ever gone through in over 6 years with my business.

I know that what I do is valuable to people. I know this business isn't about selling product, but about empowering women(and men, but mostly its women I coach), helping people overcome obstacles in their lives, giving them a place to belong and watching them grow. On a base customer level its helping families in the kitchen and then greater then that its having access to homes and being Christ on a regular basis to people I never would have been in contact with.

*I* see this. There are 19 other people on my team who believe this as well, not to mention all my mentors, trainers, friends, hosts and customers who believe in me.

What *I* don't see is why the onslaught now? Is the push-back coming because I'm on the cusp of something incredible? Or is it coming because my focus needs to shift elsewhere? Is this where God intends to use my giftings? Or is something changing?

I don't know the answer to those quesitons. Not even close. But there are 19 people out there who are counting on me to figure it out.

All I'm praying though is that when *I* end is where He can do His best work.

With the Lord, I am an overcomer.

Lord, I'm done. So can you please take it from here...

Mrs. Rambo's Rant

Who would have thought something as simple as braces would be so overwhelming! The oral hygiene I'm supposed to have time for now is about 30 minutes more/day then I was doing before.

I am lucky if I brush my teeth twice a week. Now it's supposed to be twice a day?? And flossing with that crazy thing you have to thread around each wire? Are you kidding me?

What??

Don't judge me.

I chewed a lot of mint gum. Every dentist said my teeth were very healthy. The hygienist always says "do you floss?" not, "I can tell you don't floss."

So I must be doing something right. I can't help it If I have a bad bite and grind my teeth at night. My life is stressful. Now I've added some $5700 freakin' accessories that are going to cost me more in time and are a royal pain in the ahh-mouth!

I've lost three pounds in 2 days because I just can't chew anything. Soups, homemade eggnog (without the fun rum) smoothies, yogurt... I'm trying to get in the right amount of calories.

There is simply no pleasure left in food.

No big deal. 12 year olds can do this, so I shouldn't have a problem.

Yah right. I'll be lucky if I don't claw these things off myself by the end of the week!!

I'll post a video if I do.

Bling

I'm sitting and waiting for my latest accessory.

It'll take about an hour and a half to get them put on and they will be the most expensive bling I have ever owned.

I'm getting braces.


Woot!

Buzz Off

Seriously?

One of JR's coworkers asked him yesterday if I was pregnant. This has not been an isolated incident either. Facebook friends, friends, acquintances...everyone seems to look at me with a knowing grin these days.

Not cause I look like it.

Only because we went on a vacation together.

We didn't need to go to Cancun to conceive our other two babies so why would you think we'd need to in order to conceive another one???

So buzz off! Its none of your business.

Awaited Day

From the day I found out there was something significant about celebrating the identical birthdate as birth year...

"It is her magic birthday today. 15 on the 15th," someone said.

I was probably 7 or 8 at the time and my magic birthday seemed an eternity away.

Today it finally happened.