Rattling the Cage

I hesitate to post on this topic. I always have.

Yesterday brought up old insecurities, fears and problems.

It was like someone came along and rattled the "Past box" and as I watched the issues tumble out I was overwhelmed with feelings and negative emotions that have been dealt with and that I really don't want to bring up again. Sometimes a situation I am in now brings a flashback from the past.

John Rambo has often commented that he sees me "brace for the emotional blow" as I anticipate walking on eggshells and being scared I've set off the beast. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is a different man now. I'm a different woman. I can expect healthy interactions, conflict to be dealt with in a kind way and above all we would lay everything down for our marriage and family. We love each other. We always did. Now it is an authentic love.

It isn't that I don't want to open up about what the first 2 years of our marriage were like and the journey we've gone on since then its that I really respect my husband. I respect the changes he has made. Even though I might be ready to share and testify to what the Lord has done for us I have to be so careful that it doesn't come out in the way that JR was a terror and I his victim. It is very easy to tell the story that way but it wouldn't be the truth.

In a marriage you have patterns. It takes two people to make those patterns. JR was unstable and our homelife wasn't safe, but I also let it be that way. I believed a lie that I couldn't ask for help and that I would be dishonoring my husband if I did start to talk about what was going on in our home. I was scared to stand up for myself. Scared that it could mean the end of our marriage. Scared that I would be a 24 year old single mom who had failed miserably at her marriage. I fell pray to the spirit of a victim instead of walking in the spirit of the Lord.

Cryptic? Good. I'd like it to be a little vague. I don't think anyone needs a step-by-step account of what it was like. It wouldn't honour JR, it would make me feel crappy and I don't think it would honour the Lord.

Too many spouses, women in particular, run to their girlfriends for a husband bashing session and rag on everything wrong with their spouse. If they would all start spending even half the time working on themselves that they spend complaining to somebody else about the problems in their marriage they would see huge results and transformation in their lives.

I needed to learn the difference between being a door mat and honouring my husband. I thought that honouring him meant not talking to anyone about what was going on. It took exactly one year and 6 months, one baby and a lot of heartache to finally open up to someone about what things were like at home. When we finally did start getting help it wasn't to pick up the phone and call everyone and unload everything that was going on. We didn't go for couples counselling. We had a few trusted friends in our life that partnered with us and believed for us that we could have a strong healthy marriage. That change was possible.

We both started working on ourselves.

Individually we sought out some professional guidance for completely different issues. It was there that I learned how much *I* had contributed to the destruction in our home and that if I was willing to lay it all on the line and work on changing and reclaiming the confident woman I once was that it may be the one thing that would change our marriage. I needed to learn what the Father heart of God said about me and to be transformed by His word at work in my life.fd

It wasn't about sitting around and gabbing all about what was wrong and how JR was this or that. That was his stuff to deal with. His character issues to work on. What I needed to focus on was what I needed to work on. I needed to work on my character and my relationship with the Lord. I chose to trust that he was big enough to handle everything. Ineeded togive up control and let the pieces fall where they may, Then it was up to the Lord to put us back together.

The changes didn't happen over night. Its been a slow journey. Going from a home full of domestic violence to a Christ centered, loving marriage took time. It took rooting out the past, allowing the Lord to heal wounds and learning to love each other with a true, authentic, selfless love. The focus wasn't on changing the other but on loving them and letting God transform ourselves.

To this day I truly believe that there was a blessing in not picking up the phone and airing all our dirty laundry. There was wisdom in being selective in who walked beside us through that journey.

Yesterday brought up old pain. It touched on old wounds that are still pink in the healing stage. It is a good reminder that when these things happen I have to release them to the Lord. My prayer in these moments has been:
"Lord, you've revealed something in my heart that needs to be healed. I can't hold on to because I will do more harm with it then good. Please, you are the only one that can heal this spot. I ask that you would take away this pain and let me love with abandon and not a tainted gaurded spirit. You are the only one who can truly heal me. Nothing other then your love will be able to wipe this away. I ask that you uproot this from my life so that it isn't a spot for bitterness and resentment to grow. "

Marriage is a rich soil to plant the experiences of our lives in. It takes work to maintain it and sometimes there is pain in removing the thorns. If you are a steadfast gardner though you will reap the rewards as you uproot the weeds and treasure the fruit growing in your land.

Just the other day JR commented that it felt like we were on our honeymoon. I agree.

The honeymoon we never had. Our first one was filled with chaos, confusion and hurt. We are planning another one sometime soon to celebrate what the Lord has done for us. It will be filled with marital bliss and authentic love.

You make your face to shine on me
And that my soul knows very well
You lift me up, I'm cleansed and free
And that my soul knows very well

When mountains fall I'll stand
By the power of Your hand
And in Your heart of hearts I'l dwell
And that my soul knows very well

Joy and strength each day I fine
And that my soul knows very well
Forgivenes, hope, joy is mine
And that my soul knows very well

When mountains fall I'll stand
By the power of your hand
And in Your heart of hearts I'll dwell
And that my soul knows very well