On finding the joy...

Its been a common theme I've been hearing...
...look for the joy in the day.

It may seem like the last bit of advice someone who's world has crashed in around them would want to hear but for me it is exactly what I needed. I needed to know that it was okay to still be joyful. That I don't have to walk around all mopey and heartbroken. That I can deal with the situation I'm in, that we are in, and still be okay.

Sometimes I think that by "counting it all joy" though be it biblical, that somehow I'm not conveying the severity of the situation. That by maintaining a gracious attitude, and seeking the best out of everything that I'm somehow downplaying or covering up what happened.

But I'm not.

I'm still hurting. I'm still praying for the wind to fill these sails. I still have moments where I cry.

But I'm not a victim. My life is not over and our marriage isn't either. We're working through it and I want to work through it with joy. Not bubbly over-the-top happiness, putting on a show, but a true knowledge that the One who brought us together will keep us together and if the Lord is for us no one can be against us. That's what joy is. Joy is knowing that the battle is already won. Joy is knowing that "in this world we will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."

Its our anniversary tomorrow. A day that I had really been looking forward to . I'm struggling thinking about how to celebrate it. I made a cake with the girls which is more of a giant flop but the effort didn't go unnoticed. I had been having a hard time thinking of how to celebrate this year when I'm still feeling heartbroken. Years 1-3 were not great and I had just gotten over it. I thought this last year had been so much better and I was looking forward to celebrating it with abandon tomorrow...

So today though I'm struggling to find happiness through the tears I know that my joy can be restored. I know I can celebrate even though it wasn't the year I thought it was. To me celebrating tomorrow is really an act of faith.

Faith that He is growing us into the couple that He needs us to be in order to fulfill His plan and purpose. Faith that we will have a deeply fulfilling marriage that is grounded in our Lord who has plans to prosper us and not to harm us and to give us hope and a future.

So I say it with Faith. Faith for tomorrow...

Happy Anniversary to my John Rambo.