An Officer and his wife...

Right now, I feel like a big ZERO as an officer's wife.

I know we are both tired and JR has been working some weird shift's the last few days. I've been up late both by choice and because of noisy neighbours. The situation seems like a big "issue" when it really isn't a big issue in reality but today it feels like one. And I feel like a big bother.

Sometimes I wish JR could just automatically turn from his "cop" brain to his "husband" brain when I talk to him. As a rule I don't usually call him at work. Things have seemed really slow lately so I've taken a few more liberties then normal in calling him at the office. Really though, it was only once today and once yesterday. Today it was because I was concerned about our neighbour. I thought he should know their was an altercation causing a bit of a ruckas over at the neighbours. A guy I don't generally here swearing was yelling and swearing and very very upset. I'd been outside with the girls for a while and when the yelling and throwing things started I corralled them back into the house. It was time for baths anyway.

My heart just broke for him. I know he's a little rough around the edges and all but from what I could tell was going on I would have been upset about the situation too. I couldn't holler over the fence at him to ask if he was okay cause I had the girls and I wasn't sure if he'd been drinking.

I called JR. Suprisingly his partner answered the phone and told me JR was in the interview room. I said not to worry no emergency or anything, kinda gave him a vague 'just wanted JR to know what was up with the neighbours' and if he has a chance he can call me at home.

JR called me within a few minutes. I apologised because I didn't know he had something on the go. He had just been home for supper within the last half hour. I told him what was up and I could clearly tell he was irritated that I had called him about this. I said, "I'm sorry, am I being a bag?" As in, I really was hoping I wasn't being a bother. It wasn't a big deal. I just wanted him to know because he and Lumberjack Johnson have a pretty decent neighbourly relationship.

JR's reply was "well this wasn't something that needed to be reported."

"I didn't call you to report this. I called you to tell you cause you are my husband."

I can't even tell you how many times this has been an issue in our marriage. JR assumes I'm telling him something because he is a cop. It comes across as a "why are you telling a cop this. It isn't a police matter. What do you want me to do about this." 90% of the time I could care less that he is a cop. I'm just telling him my thoughts or things that have happened in the day. He filters them through the cop filter and just doesn't see why I'm even bothering him with it.

It has shown up in other ways as well. I remember JR physically moving me out of his way because I was standing in front of him in the entrace. I don't even know if he was in uniform or not. I just know I went to stand next to him and talk to him. I'm his wife. This is what I do. He didn't even ask me to move. He took me by the shoulders and pushed me out of his way. He couldn't figure out why I was in his way and I couldn't figure out what his problem was.

Tone, sentence structure and everyday communication can be tainted with "cop speak." Things aren't asked, they are ordered. Sometimes I feel interrogated instead of feeling like I'm having a conversation with my husband. This causes an underlying tension in our marriage. He is jockeying for command while I am being an average wife.

If you don't already know it, I am very sensitive. I get hurt easily. I get embarrassed easily. It is very easy to do something that makes me feel stupid.

It took a while to figure out that it wasn't me in the circumstance of being forcibly moved out of the way. Cops can get like this. I may have blogged about it before, but for a lot of officers it is difficult to switch from work to home in ways that you wouldn't expect. For example; not understanding why we don't simply move out of his way. Cops are used to having people step aside when they are at work. They are used to commanding a difficult situation. They are used to saying "jump" and everyone "jumping" immediately. They don't even ask "how high sir?"

For a lot of officers it leads to a feeling of disrespect at home. Actions by his wife or childern that would be in most families considered normal family interactions can be completely irritatating and drive the cop to work more. Why would he want to be at home where he feels direspected when he could be at work where he doesn't even have to say anything and he commands the room.

This is my passive aggressive way of venting that I don't like it when I feel like a stupid complaintant.

I feel like I'm rambling, have started way to many paragraph with a word that begins with "I" and used too many quotation marks. This subject is one that I have yet to figure out. How do I make sure my husband feels respected while standing my ground that he needs to turn the husband filter on when he is with his wife and kids. I know JR will always view life through his cop lense. Its who he is. I would just like it if he could stop and remind himself he is talking to family and not felons.

How have you gotten your cop to turn on the family filter? If you are a cop have there been things that your family has done that have irritated you simply because you are looking at the situation as a cop and not a spouse, friend, confidant etc...

Please, do tell. If you made it through this wordy post already you might as well comment while you are here. :)