Blog Denial.
That's where I've been. There has been so much to write about and just not enough time.
Hey, notice how the Month of Photos totally crashed and burned?
The one satistying outcome is that there are finally more photos on this blog. I like it that way. Its friendlier, a little more eye-catching, and maybe a bit more inticing? Personally, I've been avoiding the camera as I'm struggling through some pregnancy induced low self-esteem.
I went from this in Febuary (taken while on vacation in Mexico) where for the first time in my life I felt so at home in my own skin and actually liked the way that I looked...
To this beautiful self-portrait I took last week at nearly 33 weeks pregnant: Adding braces in March, the baby in April and 47lbs (and it was a really good angle or I never would have posted it)
It doesn't feel like much of a consolation when everyone tells me I look great or "Don't worry, you'll lose the weight..."
Yah, I know I'll lose the weight and I don't think. I also know I had to work darn freakin harder then I've ever worked in my entire life to get into the shape I was in a year ago.
I *know* this is a silly thing to whine about. I *know* I am so blessed. I *know* I know I know I know.....
This is still my struggle though. Each pregnancy I've had some sort of journey to go on and work through. With JJ it was a complete transformation where I finally stepped into the place where I have always felt called to be as a woman. When I gave birth to her it was as if I purged all of these negative things I had carried with me for years. Noone could take that experience away from me. I had given birth to that child and the Lord had sustained me through it. It was incredible. It was faith building material. When I had Tiny Bear it was a healing experience for JR and I. We'd really been struggling through a hellish challenging journey as a young married couple. I had felt so stupid for "letting" myself get pregnant at that time. What we didn't know was just how God was going to use that beautiful baby in our marriage. I will never forget how tenderly JR cared for me after her birth.
Now, 5 years after we started this journey together we really have come to an entirely different place in our relationship. One with a solid foundation in the Lord that we continually work to foster and protect.
So it seems that if my marriage is on a solid footing and I have a huge faith in what the Lord is capable of doing that it might be time for Him to re-write some of the broken software of my heart of how I view myself...not my capabilities and strengths...but what the Lord see's when He looks at me.
That my eyes will lie to me...
...but the truth of His word should be the mirror for my life.
In the wisdom of Jesus: Matthew 6:19-34
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. 20Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. 21Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.22“Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. 23But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!24“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.25“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?28“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?31“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. 33Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.34“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.
You are so lovely! I adore reading your insights.
ReplyDeleteIt is so good to get to the "end" of a journey and look back and see how far you have come, how much you have grown, how much you have learned. But, in the middle of the journey, it can be so hard. Seeing yourself as the Lord sees you is an awesome thing, something worth stuggling for - something I continually struggle with. But, as Born to Run says, you are indeed lovely! Hugs, my friend.
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ReplyDeleteMy weight has been up and down from 140-200 since giving birth to two kids. It's a lifetime struggle but I think in your case, the pregnant picture is actually more "you", you look both comfortable and happy. Good luck in the rest of your pregnancy and keep on truckin (or writing).
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