I'm not a loud crier. He can usually tell cause he hears a sniffle and my breathing change.
He shuffled into the washroom, turned on the light and pulled up the kiddie stool and settled himself in.
"What's wrong?"
"Well the first thing would be that I'm crying while I'm sitting on the toilet," I snorffle, "can I get off first?" I muffled threw my hands which were holding my slumped over head.
I could hear the chuckle JR was trying to hold in. He handed me some toilet paper to wipe my nose.
"Don't laugh," I told him, while trying not to chuckle myself.
It was a bit ridiculous.
He let me leave the washroom before he pressed any further.
We had the heart to heart a few minutes later as he tucked me into bed. He's switching to nights and stays up later the night before to try and get a head start, so I was due for sleep before him anyway.
It was a condensed version of something like this...
I haven't felt like a good Mom in months. I feel like I'm losing JJ and she's only 3. I feel like its my fault too. Too much TV. My own lack of patience. Frustration over not getting enough sleep ( I was up 7 times last night! SEVEN) and frustrated that I somehow, after 3 years of parenting still feel entitled to a full night of rest. That ship sailed a long time ago girl, so you better just stop yelling from the dock. It's long gone.
I'm at a point where I just don't know how to do this parenting thing anymore. I've never had a 3 year-old, so why should I be expected to know what to do with one?
Now, obviously, it's no one else's fault that I'm clueless and I'm not so entitled to say "someone should be helping me because I expect it and have a right to it..."
Sometimes I can't help but wonder, When did we start leaving young mom's in the dust? What happened to mentorship? Where is the "village" that it takes to raise a child?
More importantly I keep wondering where in the blazes I left my independent spirit behind? Where did that overcoming spirit go?
Somewhere between Tiny Bear and here I lost a part of myself, confidence, ingenuity and drive.
The further I go, the less I know about my children, my husband, myself, and life.
I don't have a resolution for these thoughts yet.
I don't know if I ever will.
Hang in there -- what you are feeling is normal! Being a parent is the most wonderfully rewarding job you will ever have. It is also the hardest and most demanding job you will ever have. The demands NEVER STOP and it wears on you. You lose your identity -- you're Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, etc., but have lost you. Do whatever you have to to make sure you have something special for you as an individual. I was a single parent to five children. Their ages are now 13, 15, 17, 21 and 24. My time and resources were very limited, so I made sure I had time to read -- it gave me the downtime I needed to recharge for the constant demands. Every child is different, and every parent has their own parenting techniques. Use trial and error to find what works for you. You will make mistakes....adjust and go forward. The #1 thing that a child needs is to know that he/she is loved. Good luck and take care.
ReplyDeleteImamontanalady
Bad moms don'r cry in the bathroom early in the AM, worrying if they are good moms or not.
ReplyDeleteGood moms use trial and error to find out what works for them. They make mistakes, learn from them, and continue to go forward ever becoming better mothers.