Some people in my life know this. Most don't know what this means for me on a day to day basis. I've always been open (to a point) about my struggle because I know that there is hope and I don't want other people to lose the fight. I don't want to lose the fight.
Right now though, while I'm in the trenches, I don't want to admit how bad it is or even bother trying to explain what I'm going through.
I'd say "its been an issue for many years but I've been given some great tools to manage it and most of the time I'm really good". This disclaimer keeps people at bay and though it is truth, it is a surface truth. They are already shocked enough because I would never have been someone that they would guess had a 'mental illness.' Living with "managed" depression results in a very full and healthy life. The scarier details would be what its like when it is "unmanaged". I fear that if I reveal the depths of my struggle I will be branded and people will only relate to me through that label which is so often misunderstood.
I hesitated to post this. It is far too personal.
Admitting this on a 'police blog' is probably the place I would least like to post it. People like John Rambo put people like me in institutions. However this blog was meant to connect with other officer families, encourage each other and share things going on in our lives. For me to be authentic, this is just something that is part of our journey.
Everyday I hope on the Lord for healing. I am thankful for all the "management tools" I've acquired for in the meantime.
And on the dark days I know that all I have to do is hold on and wait for the morning.
Now its not a secret anymore.
"Out of the depths of my dispair
Oh I cry Father hear my voice
Open your ear to hear my mercy cry
And if you kept a book of sin, oh Father, who'd be standing?
But inYour goodness there is mercy and forgiveness
More then the watchment wait for morning, my soul it waits for you.
More then then the watchment wait for morning."
Rebecca St. James
(Psalm 130)
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ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment.
ReplyDeleteI would have to say that I understand not wanting to have the label of mental illness, but I disagree with you.
Just having the "blues" or having trouble with coping with something for a time does not mean you have a mental illness. Most people, I think the stats are 60% of people actually from the last time I checked will experience a "depressive episode" in their life at some point in time. They may even need medication to work through it or counselling etc.
This was not what I was referring to. I'm talking about prolonged depressive cycles. Along with mood disorders, depression is classified as a mental illness. It has to do with the mind. Depression is caused by a depletion of seretonin in the brain. These are your happy feelers. It is a chemical problem that is completely connected to how you think which determines what you believe which determines how you behave.
The Canadian Mental Health Association as well as the American National Institution of Mental health both list Depression as a mental illness.
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ReplyDeleteActually, I deleted both of those because I'm just getting in deeper and deeper and still not managing to say what I mean. I'm so sorry to make the page look ugly with "comment deleted by author". :(
ReplyDeleteMeadowlark, I thought your posts were fine. When I read through them (i had them emailed to me) it made complete sense what you are referring to in regards to the label of "mental Illness" I agree. The way it is used in the cop world is to describe people that are a threat to themselves or others. These are people that are not actively working to manage their illness.
ReplyDeleteYou were right on the money.
That is why I don't like talking about it so much with my police family because this is often how they related to mentally ill people, through the eyes of the stories they've heard of the 'crazy people' their cop has locked up.
I am working to actively manage my depression. In the really dark times I get scared that JR will lock me up because of what he has seen. I don't always like admitting the nitty gritty to him because I know that if he has to he will take action.
But on the same token I trust his judgement. I work hard to make sure that I never put him in a position that he would have to pull rank and take in to the hospital. That is what I want to avoid. Part of me dealing with what goes on is things like this. Talking about it and taking away the shame of the title mental illness. It isn't shameful. Its a legitimate medical condition. One that there is so much help out there for. Its the stigma that makes people not seek the help they get.
And hey, delete posts here anytime, but I thought what you said was great. I was hoping for some discussion. :)
You definitely are saying stuff that needs to be said. I just didn't want to sound like I was trivializing anything. Written words are so iffy that way.
ReplyDeleteThanks Meadow - and I didn't think you came across trivializing at all. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a post that I can relate to. Although I don't feel it's as much of an ongoing struggle as it is a 'seasons' thing...if that makes any sense.
ReplyDeleteGood post.
I admire you for being so open and honest. I think it is an issue for many people (on various levels - myself included) and yet it is such a taboo topic. Both in the police world and the Christian world. Know that you are not alone and there is nothing shameful. I prayed for you when I read this post.
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