So this one morning I woke up to my hubs hurriedly getting ready to go out on a call. It was around 5am or so and he'd turned his radio on in the house. I overheard some tidbits (that I always choose to forget afterwards as it really is none of my business) but it was enough to let me know he was going out on a serious call.
I lay in bed thinking...I bet this day is the day that two cops show up on my doorstep to tell me he is dead.
I decided I could either stay in bed and toss and turn a little while longer or make the best of it.
Best case scenario to me was that 1)The hubs comes home eventually in one piece but it option 2) He is dead becomes the reality then I'd rather have a clean house when they come to tell me he was killed in the line of duty.
There I was...5:30am vaccuuming the carpet, doing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom.
A short time later the hubs returns. Good. Option one. Bonus, the house was clean.
I went back to bed.
Whenever he comes home from a call now and the house is especially clean the first question out of his mouth usually is "did you think I was going to die today?" The most common answer is "Yes" from me. We have a chuckle and move on.
One thing that has really helped me to keep things in perspective is this:
A distracted cop is a dead cop. Let them do their job as they are trained, without putting worry on their minds about the home-front as well. If we as wives are constantly on the phone calling, worrying, wondering what is going on it only adds stress to an already unpredictable job. I'd much rather have my spouse feel confident that I can handle things at home so that he doesn't have to think about us while he is at work.
So on the days when he is late or I think something has happened to him I usually just assume he is dead and then am pleasantly suprised when he shows up alive. :) Makes for a good relationship. I'm always excited to see him come home.
I can say this all tongue-in-cheek but I think that there is always part of a force wife that wonders when that day will come and someone else is knocking at the door instead of your loved one coming home. It can rip you up inside or you can choose just to accept the risks of the job, trust in the Lord for your spouses safety and pray for them as they head out the door.
The reality is each one of us lives a finite life. It will come to an end. It may be tragic, peaceful, untimely...you name it...but death will come. There is no escaping it.
The only true peace is that every time I watch my man in uniform walk out the door...whether it be on specialised team call where the risks are almost always greater or in the usual duds...is that my husband has given his life to Christ. I know he is a soldier of a higher calling and whatever the outcome of that call might be the Lord has him solidly in His grip.
"The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23
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